Do you ever feel like you’re losing yourself? Literally.
I may not have had a paying job for awhile and my husband was the only one bringing in money, and it’s been really tight and what not. But I can’t do everything at home and take care of the kids by myself. Even when he’s home on his off days, I still feel like I do absolutely everything.
And then when the grandparents have one of the children, I will sometimes go through the toys and sort them out and “get rid of” some of them so she won’t really know. And then she sees some of them again, and my husband says “why can’t she have it?”
Was she fine without it? Was she happy? Yes. It’s only when she sees it again, does she want it and cry for it. And then they all make it out like im a bad mom. Then I said “that’s why I do this when she’s not here.” And my husband took that as I wish we never had her. And that is NOT what I meant at all. I was talking about going through the toys and what not, when she’s not here, because it’s easier and she doesn’t see what I’m “getting rid of”….
Just because I didn’t have a paying job for a long time, does that mean that I do NOTHING at home??? Heck no! I still do everything at home. I may not cook all the time, 1) because Brandon likes to cook and 2) he’s a better cook than me. Does that make me a bad wife?
Moms need “time off” too. But do we get it? No. I love my kids. But sometimes I’d still like a break. If that makes me a bad mom, then fine. I guess I’m a bad mom.
Now I’m just locked in our bathroom, bawling my eyes out. And I don’t know what else to do. I feel like everything I do is wrong. I try to clean the house, but I do it the wrong way. I move something that I shouldn’t, my husband doesn’t like it or moves it back or whatever. I try to do side hustles, like network marketing, and my husband doesn’t support me. It’s hard to do anything as a side hustle to try to stay home and still make money, when you don’t get support, especially from your husband. So with every network marketing company I’ve tried, I’ve been a failure. I never got the support that all of my friends have with theirs and their husbands doing it with them. He says that all I want to do is be a stay at home mom.
While, yes, I’ve always wanted to be a stay at home mom, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to work. That’s why I try doing the network marketing, to try to still bring in income. But it’s never worked for me. If I had the support, I may be encouraged to do more with it. But he makes me embarrassed to even try it. To even post about it.
Failing isn’t a bad thing, but in my case, it’s not a good thing. It’s making me depressed and it’s not a good thing.
I just want to have the support of my husband with whatever I try, whether it’s network marketing or whatever it may be. And lately, I haven’t had much. I’m not trying to bash my husband or anything. He has worked, while I didn’t and couldn’t find a job. And he lets me know that too. But he hasn’t been supportive either. And I hate to even say these things. But I’m not saying it to bash him or anything.
But husbands need to support their wives and vice versa. And I do, I tell him I’m proud of him and I tell him thank you. But I feel like as a wife and a mom, we are just expected to do these things. So why should we get any thanks or someone saying “I’m proud of you.” Even if it’s “hey, I’m proud of you for not giving up.” Because lately, it’s been hard.
Anyway, just pray for me, please. I do have a great husband, I just wish he’d be more supportive of me. I’m sure I’m not the only one with that, but right now I feel like I am.
Have you ever felt like you are at the literal end of your rope?
Today has been rough. Mostly this evening. Our 3.5 year old daughter will hardly eat anything. If she eats anything, it’s something like pop tarts or something not exactly healthy, like that. I just wish she would eat, something. Her 14 month old brother eats literally anything! I wish her seeing him eat everything we give him would help her, but it hasn’t.
Tonight, I was about ready to throw in the towel. I put our daughter in her room, and I just went to the back bathroom and cried. More like sobbed. I don’t even know what to do anymore.
Sometimes, like on nights like tonight, I feel like I wasn’t meant to be a mom. I know that if I wasn’t, I wouldn’t have had them, but…it’s just really hard to see how or why I became a mom. I feel like I lose it all the time. And I don’t want to do that in front of the kids.
I feel like I’m being a failure to everyone around me. I can’t do anything right. I can’t say anything right. Im just really struggling right now.
I know I made the blog to encourage others, but I could really use the encouragement right now. Am I the only one struggling in this area right now? Or even another area? Or is it just me? If anything, I would really appreciate some prayers. Thanks. ❤️
In other news, I cut my hair this week! That’s helped me a little bit, but tonight was still rough. Sometimes I don’t even know.
Many times, if not every day, we, as moms, ask ourselves – “Am I a good mom?” On certain days, when the kids are just not listening at all that day, it’s hard to be a “good” mom, right? At least, that’s how I feel. When I just lose it with my daughter, I feel horrible immediately after. I feel like the worst mom on the planet. I know that not all days are good days and yes, sometimes the kids do not always listen, but that doesn’t mean that we should blow up in their face.
When that happens, I feel like crap right after. I will even apologize to my three year daughter. Should parents apologize to their kids who may or may not completely understand yet? Yes. Yes, we should. If we don’t, they will think that it is okay to just yell or “lose it” and be done. We need to teach our children that we will “lose” it but that doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t apologize for losing our cool. Even if they are three years old, we can and should apologize to them. Hug them. Tell them you love them, and yes, apologize. They will most likely hug you back and just hold on to you. At least, that is what my daughter does! She is at that age, where she can tell if something is bothering me or her daddy. Sometimes she will come up to me and just put her hand on my shoulder or even my face (cheeks) and say, “You okay, mommy?” and she will just hold my face in her little hand. It’s the sweetest thing.
It reminds me of how we are in Jesus’ hands. He is holding us in His hands and He is telling us it will be okay. I’ve heard the quote many times, “God doesn’t give us more than we can handle.” But maybe He gives us more than we can handle to show us that we can’t do it alone. That we do need Him. Because many times, we think that we can everything on our own. We think, “why do we need God?” Well, no matter what we think – we DO need Him!
Just about every day, I ask myself – am I a good mom? I have those days, where I will just put the kids in their room for awhile. I will check on them and change diapers and feed them, but other than that, I leave them in their room and let them play in their room and watch Mickey Mouse Clubhouse (my daughters current obsession). Sometimes I just need a day to myself. And I know being a mom, I sort of stopped letting myself have days alone after having kids. But I just need some quiet time for more than five minutes. Is that a bad thing? Even just wanting five minutes alone makes me feel like a bad mom.
I love my kids with all my heart. I do. They are great kids – for the most part! 😛 My son is a complete mama’s boy and I love it! I really do! But if he is happy not being held, then I try to take that time and have some quiet time to myself. Whether it’s taking a shower or a bath or just sitting/laying on the bed, possibly crying and just letting it all out. I also hate crying, in front of anyone, and especially the kids. I know they need to see us, parents, as people who cry too, but sometimes I just really do not want them to see me cry.
Being a mom is hard. It is very rewarding, but it is hard. I wouldn’t trade it for anything! I love being a mom, I love our son and daughter.
I have so many things I want to do. I have no time to do them anymore. I enjoy painting, but haven’t been able to get my paints out in awhile. I love to write, but as you can tell, I haven’t been able to write in quite awhile. I have a journal to that I physically write in, and if I’m lucky, I get to write in it maybe once a month. I used to be really good and write in it almost every day, but life gets busy. I thought I would be able to find more time to write. Physically and in here, my blog. But it’s been hectic.
Writing is my outlet, many times. When I don’t want to yell or cry it out, I will write it out. Sometimes I will keep what I write and sometimes I will write it and then throw it away. Does anyone else have something like that that they do, as an outlet? Writing or playing piano or anything? I used to play piano as an outlet too, but I haven’t been able to play in a while. When we get a house, I would love to get a piano and be able to play more often. Another one of my dreams. Get a house. Get a piano in the house. Someday these things will happen. When? I don’t know. But someday. 🙂
Have you ever been overdue on pretty much every bill? And negative money in your bank account?
It’s been a couple months since the incident, but I haven’t been working since then. In mid-March, my car was stolen while I was at work. I was working for Dominos as a pizza delivery driver.
It was a fake delivery, which I didn’t know at the time. It wasn’t paid for yet, and it was at a place that you had to leave sight of your car and go inside. During these kinds of deliveries, I ALWAYS shut my car off and lock the doors. But this one time I didn’t. I even debated about taking my purse with me and still locking the car and turning it off and everything. And I just…I didn’t. Anyway, within a couple minutes, of the person who answered the door saying that they didn’t order any pizza and my calling the bogus number on the ticket for the pizza, my car was stolen.
I was in shock. I even almost didn’t take my phone with me; luckily I did. Otherwise, I would’ve been completely done for. I called 911, and called my work and my husband. The police came, took my statement, my boss came and picked me up, took me back to work and then Brandon came and picked me up from work and took me home. This all happened within the first hour of my shift. It was still light out, you could see as bright as day. And it happened to me. I was still in shock for the first week.
The people who stole my car got about $300 in cash, and the kids car seats, and everything else that was in the car. My drivers license and all those fun things. The police found my car about a month later. Everything was gone. The license plate. They swapped a couple of the tires, but otherwise, it still worked, for the most part. We were able to drive it home.
I wasn’t even sure if I was ever going to share this, but I’m just so broken right now. We are in the worst spots right now with our finances, and I’m going back to work at dominos, because I can’t get any other job. I’ve been applying since shortly after the incident. And they liked me at dominos and I liked the job up until the incident. But we need money, and we would like to get a house sometime soon, if at all possible. So to do that, I need to just go and get what I can to pay our bills and get caught up again. So we can start saving again for a house. For my family. This is really hard, but that’s what we do as parents. We do what’s hard now so that our kids won’t have to. So we can give our kids the best that we can. And if I have to go back to a job, that I’m still a bit scared to do, than that’s what I have to do.
I have felt like a failure as a wife and mother for so long, and because of this – my car being stolen. And I’m done feeling like a failure. It’s not going to be an easy road going back to the job, but it’s not just for me, it’s for my family.
During these last couple of years, I have been through a lot. We have all been through a lot, including a global pandemic. Life has been crazy. I have been through multiple jobs, some good and some not so good. Let’s just go back since I started school. It has been a little over a year, seventeen months. Just shy of a year and a half. Right before I started school, I lost someone who I thought was my best friend. I started school. It was crazy stressful while trying to figure out online school, and trying to find a job, then the country going into a lockdown. Then it was even harder to find a job. It was super stressful because I was a mother and pregnant (Pre-quarantine baby)! There were/are so many things that I want to do. During this last year and a half, while in school, I was/am a wife, mother, student, pregnant lady, dog mom, housewife, so many things. I was stressed that I wouldn’t pass my classes. Especially with this pregnancy being so much harder on me. I was almost in constant pain. Oliver was in just the right spot on one of my nerves, and didn’t move from the spot very often, I was always in pain. But when you are a mom and wife, I still had things that needed to be done like cleaning and playing with our daughter, and I had to work through the pain, no matter how bad it was. I cried many times, very often when I was alone and no one was around to see or hear me cry.
I have been through many jobs in my life, some of which did not last very long. I felt like a terrible wife and mom because I couldn’t keep a job. Not because I was a bad worker, per se, but because it was not the job that I wanted for the rest of my life. I would love to be a stay-at-home mom but still work and bring in money for bills and what not. But that is hard to do. I have a few businesses that I am working. But I am a horrible salesperson, and I try not to guilt people into buying something from me and I try not to push them to buy something from me. That tends to push people even farther away from you, even your friends. If you want to know anything about the products or company that I am with, I am happy to tell you anything! I hardly ever bring it up first unless we are talking about something that they need and that company offers what will help with what they need. But even then, it sounds like I’m trying to push you to buy from me. But honestly, I only “push” things on people that I know will help someone, or that I know they will love. Because I love it! I don’t sell anything that I don’t love or use myself.
I sell Monat, which is the number one haircare brand in the country. I also sell Arbonne, which is a makeup, nutrition, skincare, bath and body, and so much more! These are my two favorite company’s and they have the best products that really work! They are not a pyramid scheme. But anyway, I can’t do only these businesses and not work somewhere else where I know I am getting a paycheck. Because I do use these products but I don’t post about it or promote it, per se. The products I use are in the pictures that I take, when I take a picture with my kids or my husband, because I use the shampoo and it can be seen but I don’t post what I use in every single post. I don’t say things like “And the reason my hair looks amazing is because I use my Monat…and it can help your hair too!” type things. I do share it and that is what network marketing is, sharing what you love and use. But it doesn’t get very much traffic for me. I don’t know if I just don’t know what to say to capture people’s attention or what. So that is why I am still working at a job. I am currently delivering pizza, which honestly I love doing. It is still not what I want to do with the rest of my life, but it is helping pay the bills!
Anyway, this blog post is not about trying to sell you anything, it just popped into my head about what I do and how I wear many ‘hats’ in life and how those things could help me stay home with my kids and still bring in income, but how I fail at that, too. I have felt like a failure so many times this last year, not just in my work but in/with my family, too. We went through some rough times, but we made it through. It still isn’t always easy, but when you work together, it is easier.
I have just recently finished my schooling, and will have my degree in May! I had planned to be done in December of 2020, but that didn’t happen. That’s okay. As long as you keep going and you don’t give up, that is what matters. Slow progress is still progress! I now have a bachelors degree in Criminal Psychology! Still not completely sure what I want to do. There are so many things. But since I do have a family, what I want to do wouldn’t necessarily be the best or safest thing for my family for multiple reasons. Plus, I would have to go away for at least six months for the academy, and I will really don’t want to be away from my family. So there’s that.
So I am still figuring out what I am going to do. I have thought of doing teaching at home, so then I can stay at home and have my own schedule and know that I am bringing in money for the family. Just need to get through the hiring process and teaching demos and such, which did need a bachelors degree(in anything). I am a big family person, so if there is something that I can do to be able to stay home with our kids and still bring in money and know that I am bringing in money, I am all for that! At least for now. Maybe when the kids get older, I may be able to do something with my psychology degree. So it may not be as exciting as what I wanted to do growing up, but dreams can change. And I have one of my dreams already – my family! My handsome husband and two beautiful children, and our three dogs!
Our little big man!This is her silly face pose!
It still feels surreal that I actually passed all my classes with a 3.1 GPA at that!! I am a horrible test taker! But with the support of my husband and my family, I made it through with only a few scratches, bruises and many many tears!!
Thank you everyone for supporting me through this blog! I do want to have more time to write my blog too! So when I figure everything out, if/when I start the teaching thing and figure out a routine and schedule for that, I will be putting time for my writing on the schedule also! It is important to put time aside for things that you enjoy doing, whether it is quiet time for yourself so you can breathe and just relax for a minute or two. Take that time! And no matter what, don’t give up! Don’t give up on yourself and your WHY for what you are doing!
When you are at your lowest, you don’t know what to do. To be honest, I am at my lowest right now. I’ve been very low before, but I think this beats it. Sometimes I wonder why I am here. What do I even do with my life. What do I do with me? I know that sounds selfish, and it probably is. But I’m being completely honest, completely transparent right now. I mentioned in an earlier blog post about post-partum depression, and I feel as it is just getting worse. Or maybe it’s more than post-partum depression. I don’t know. I have not been the best wife in some ways.
As a wife, you feel like you need to clean the house, do the laundry, cook the food, watch the kids so the hubby can relax when he gets home from work, etc. Which is true, but he is part of the family too. I can’t just ‘toss him to the side’. He has needs, too.
To be honest, since having children and having c-sections for both of them, I have been very self-conscious about my body. I was self-conscious about it before but after the c-sections, it just got worse. You would think after marrying the most handsome man in my life would help take those negative thoughts about myself and my body away.
But it didn’t.
Here is a picture of my husband to show you how handsome he is!
You might be thinking, she is crazy. Having a husband as good-looking as him, how could you have body issues and self-esteem issues? Right? Wrong. Tonight I basically broke down on my husband. We were laying in bed, and I started crying. I hold things in and then when I let it out, everything comes out. It was good hard cry. Sometimes we need them, but it’s not healthy to hold everything in. My hubby just held me while I cried.
To me, at least right now, it means that I need to keep up the good body looks, I need to always look good for him, especially when we go out. What if someone sees us and goes, “How did she get someone like him looking like that??” or “He must have felt sorry for her and that’s why he’s with her.” These are only some of the thoughts that run through my mind.
I know having children is a great thing and it is a miracle! I truly believe that. And having that c-section scar is a picture of what you brought into this world. Two beautiful children. But I still have belly fat, I still look like a potato, a soggy potato, but a potato. I have told myself, and my husband, that I want to work out more, even if it’s only at home. Because let’s be real, nobody has time to go out to the gym to workout, especially when you have little kids and a job and then you are exhausted from working then coming home and working some more – to be a mom. I love my job, honestly, both of them. They are tiring though.
My hubby has even gotten me workout videos for home. I’ve said that I will do them and more likely when he’s not home, because like I said above, I’m self-conscious about my body and I don’t want him to see me looking like an idiot and seeing my fat and flab move every which way while working out. Dumb, I know. Especially since we are married. Anyway, so when he is at work, and I am home, do I do those workout videos? Nope. I have the kids to take care of and feed, and then I have to clean the house and do the dishes and laundry, and I don’t ‘have time’ to workout. We’ve all made that excuse, right? We had the house to clean, and when we go to take a break, we watch some TV or something instead. Or I’ll take a shower and then my excuse will be “I just took a shower, I don’t want to get all dirty and sweaty again.”
One of these days, before January is up, I plan to start working out. For real. Even with these workout videos that my husband got for me. Maybe I’ll even ask him to join me on his off days! Who knows?!
My confidence has been super low lately. I have so many goals this year and they will hopefully help with my confidence. I need to remember that even though I may not feel or look my best (to myself), it is okay. I need to remember that I have a little girl who is going to look up to me, possibly already does, and she is going to see how I view myself and I don’t want her thinking the same things of herself as she grows up. We need to think of who is watching us and trying to be like us. Life is hard, but that’s okay. It’s not exactly supposed to be easy. God is with us every step of the way.
Here’s my little girl! ❤
That’s another thing. My relationship with God hasn’t been the best lately either. That’s probably another reason I have been struggling so much. We can’t live our live without Him. We can but it will be a whole lot harder than it would be with Him.
Didn’t want to leave my son out! 😛
If you would, if you think about it, please pray for me and my family. Thank you. And thank you for taking the time to come to my blog and read! If you know someone else who might be struggling with any of these things, send this to them. Let them know they are not alone. We all need friends and accountability partners! 🙂 We all need someone to talk to and to check up on us. We can and need to do the same for them and others. ❤
I wish you didn’t exist. I never thought I would battle with depression. I always tried to be happy, and thought I was a happy-go-lucky person. I always tried to be optimistic with everything. Even when people showed me that they weren’t who they said they were or pretended to be, I would give them the benefit of the doubt. I have been hurt so many times because of that.
I do not have very many close friends. I have very few actually. I am a very trusting person until you give me a reason not to trust you. I have been working on that, but I still manage to trust people and tell them too much (nothing bad, don’t worry)! I guess I just wanted friends. I was always picked on in high school, I let people walk all over me, all the time. And I keep saying how that is done and I’m done being walked on, but somehow I find that I am still allowing it to happen. Even today.
When I think of my depression that I have realized that I have, it makes me feel like a horrible person. I feel like a terrible mom. I feel like a terrible wife. It hits people in different ways. Some things get me down. That’s not a bad thing that some things get you down, it all matters on how we react to it and what we do about it. We can’t give up.
You hear people say “I have let myself go.” In other words, as women, we stop doing our makeup, our hair, we stop trying to look nice. We may even stop cleaning the house – which I do still try to do, I just lack the “get ‘er done’ attitude at the moment. When you think of depression, what comes to your mind?
I am a wife and a mom and we also have three dogs. I am a full-time student in school, online. I have lacked the motivation to do anything, school-wise, in a long time. I manage to do it, but still with no motivation and it takes me a lot longer to do it. I make these goals for myself, to try to get ahead and write papers ahead of time so I won’t get behind and such. But then I lose the motivation for that, too.
My husband has been very supportive and I know it’s not easy being married to me all the time. Sometimes I disappoint him, but that does not mean to give up. That is when it really stops and gets bad – when we give up.
I know God is there all the time, and yet I still have these depressed feelings. Life is not where we would like it to be right now. We would like to have a house, but things keep hindering that from happening and we get even more down. We do not have enough space for our things, we are all crunched in where we are, but it is what we have to do right now. Maybe someday, we will get a house.
I’m not trying to be all depressed in this post, but I just want people to know that post-partum depression and just depression, in general, is real. But we can make it through it. God is Good! He knows what He is doing and we just need to trust Him.
I love our children so much! They will get on our nerves, but that doesn’t meant that we regret having them. I would do it over every time and have them again! I love our little Anna and Ollie! We are so blessed! Here is the most updated picture of all of us! and I hope you all have a great day. Thank you for visiting my blog!
We had a scheduled Cesarean delivery, because of our first child and how that delivery went. With our first, she had gotten stuck and would not go forward any more, so we went to emergency c-section. So the doctor thought it would be less risk to just go ahead and plan to have a c-section and schedule it. I wanted to have a natural vaginal delivery, but we scheduled the c-section anyway, just in case. I will admit, I was secretly hoping he would decide to come earlier than the day we had the planned c-section, but alas, he did not! That is okay though! He is a healthy baby and that is all we could ask for! Plus, when I found out how much he weighed, I was thankful for the c-section! 😛
So we had the c-section scheduled for June 25th, 2020. My mom came to town on June 22nd, so she could help with last minute things before he came! Which was nice to be able to spend some time with her before his arrival! She got to be with our daughter, too! Between those days, we were spending time together and enjoying my husband being home also on paternity leave!
June 25th comes. We wake up around 5am, and head to the hospital about 5:30-5:40 that morning; we were to be there by 6am. And since this was during COVID-19, we were to wear masks in the hospital and such. We arrive at the hospital, we go inside, we put on our masks and go upstairs to Labor and Delivery and check in. We are taken to the room where we wait, while they put the IV in me and all that fun stuff! I was not allowed to eat or drink anything after midnight the night before. And man! Even though it was 6:30 or so, I was so hungry and thirsty. I couldn’t even have a drink of water or an ice chip. It was rough.
Waiting to go back for surgery.Don’t I look happy?! 😂
There was a nurse who was about to put the IV in, then another walks in and says “You want me to do that?” The other nurse says okay, while she gets the paperwork and stuff filled out and done. Well, needless to say, I wish the first nurse who was going to put the IV in me in the first place had done it the first time. They poked me three times. The nurse who volunteered to do it instead poked me twice and still didn’t get it so the first nurse did and got it on the first poke. And during this time, mind you, I was feeling sick, lightheaded, nauseous, and dizzy. I end up passing out and they had to give me smelling salts to wake me up. It was rough. But I still couldn’t have any water or at least an ice chip. I wasn’t allowed anything.
Brandon is taking pictures during the time that we are waiting and everything. He takes pictures of me in the hospital gown sitting and laying in the bed with the mask on and everything. We waited in that room about an hour and forty-five minutes before they took us back to the delivery room. Brandon actually took a picture of the clock exactly ten minutes before our son was born! We thought it was kind of funny how that happened!
Exactly 10 minutes before his birth!
During the time that they are getting me ready for the surgery, they are checking my vitals and everything, they gave me the spinal tap, which hurt a bit when they put it in, but it definitely took effect pretty quickly. They asked if I was starting to feel numb and tingly and such, and this was after about maybe ten to fifteen seconds and my response? Yep! I was already feeling it! It did work but it did not take all of the feeling. Anyway, so they laid me down, strapped my arms to the side in case I started to seize or something. They put that blue curtain in front of and over me. I had the mask on my face still, which did not help my breathing, especially during surgery, and I had the blue shower/hospital cap on my head. They were about ready to go, they just had to get Brandon in there! So one of the nurses went to go get my husband. He got there a couple minutes later, and they started.
So during a c-section, the doctor is at the end, and the nurses are up at the top next to my belly when it’s time to push. So when they were getting ready to push, the doctor said “Okay, now there’s going to be a little pressure.” I said “okay.” thinking ‘Okay, a little pressure, I figured there would be, ya know..’ Well, a little pressure was more than just “a little pressure”. 😛 It felt like I was still trying to push a baby out myself, they were pushing on my belly to get him out. Kind of like when you are trying to get the last of the toothpaste out of the tube and you are squeezing and pushing with everything you got to get it out so you don’t waste any toothpaste. Weird analogy, I know, but that’s what I thought of! 😛 Anyway, I felt everything with that too. It was definitely more than a tickle! It didn’t exactly feel good. And while they were doing that, even the doctor was saying, before he was even out all the way, he said “Whoa! He’s a little chunker!” Meaning, he’s not a small baby! So anyway, after going through all that pushing and the pressure and everything, you really want to be able to see your baby that you grew inside you for nine months. But could I see him? Nope!
Okay. Remember when I said the spinal tap did work, but it didn’t take all of the feeling(s) away?? Well, this is what I meant. Side note: this is not meant to scare anyone about a c-section or anything, but it is not as easy as a lot of people that I have heard say it is. They say that c-section is the easy way out, that is not counted as “giving birth”. Well, it is! And it is just as hard, if not possibly harder than a natural birth. I know pushing is hard too, I did that too with our first child, so I know it both ways. I am just saying that cesareans are very hard, and I will tell you why. I felt every incision that was made. I felt them cut every layer of my skin. There are eight layers to cut to get a baby out of a woman. I felt them cut every layer. The spinal tap did help, it would have been much worse had I not had it, but I could still feel just about everything. I had that ugly blue curtain over me and in between me and my baby. When they got him out, I could not see him. I was not the first one to hold him. My husband was. Which is okay, but to be honest, after you go through giving birth, no matter how it happens, you want to be the first one to hold your child. C-sections are super hard, in my opinion for these reasons. It is a beautiful sight to see your husband holding your baby, but you also don’t get to see him cutting the umbilical cord, you don’t get to see the doctor and nurses carrying the baby over to the little table to clean them up and measure and weigh them. You miss out on all of those things. The first time I got to hold him was in the recovery area after they brought him back to me. I didn’t get to see our son (or daughter) with everything all over him, everything that was all over him when he was growing inside me. But when I saw my husband holding our son, when I saw our son for the first time…..I bawled. I cried my eyes out. He was the most beautiful baby I had ever seen (besides our daughter :P). And I still couldn’t hold him. That was/is HARD!
Our first picture together with our son💙
While they took him to the nursery to finish cleaning him up and everything, they had to sew me back together. They have to irrigate the incisions where they sew or glue back together, and I could feel the irrigation, I could feel them putting me back together. Like I said earlier, I could feel just about everything. And at some point, I don’t know how far they were into putting me back together, but it was getting hard for me to breathe, my chest was getting really tight and I could hardly breathe. The anesthesiologist took off my mask for me (since my arms were still strapped to the side) so I could breathe a little easier. I was getting lightheaded again. After a few minutes, when I had gotten back to breathing a little bit more normal again, he put the mask back on over my face. During the time of stitching me back up, one of the nurses came in and told me how much our son weighed. I couldn’t believe it. We knew he was a good size because I was pretty big and everyone kept asking me, “Are you sure there’s only one baby in there?!” I was all baby when pregnant, but I was still a pretty good size. Our son was 8lbs. 13 ozs. I had to ask them again, I said, “Did they just say “8lbs, 13oz.?” And they said, “Yep!”
Oliver David! Born at 8:01am
They were finally done stitching me back up, and I was headed to the recovery room. Brandon came a little bit later. Even though you aren’t physically trying to push a baby out, going through something like that makes you exhausted. I was beyond exhausted. I was excited that he was finally here, but I was exhausted. But another thing that was different with this delivery than with our daughter, was we could have him in our room with us! It was great! It was different, but a good different! We could see him! We could hold him! Even though I couldn’t move super easily that first day, I could hold my son in our room. We didn’t have to go to another room to hold our child. We even had one of the same nurses that we had when we had our daughter! So it was great to see her again!
Holding our son for the first time!
With our daughter, we were in the hospital for five days before we were discharged and able to go home. With our son, we were there for two nights and were discharged the next morning before lunch! It was quicker and smoother this time around!
Going home day!
We were and still are proud parents of both our daughter and our son! He is now five weeks old and has already grown so much! Our little girl is doing great with him too! She is a proud big sister! She gives him kisses every morning when she gets up, and almost every night before she goes to bed! It really is very sweet!
Hello, I’m new here!Our family of 4! ❤5 weeks old!
During this whole quarantine time, life has been crazy, right? Many people have had to stay home and not work for an unknown period of time. Life has been hectic here, too. With my being pregnant and being in school at the same time – now THAT has been crazy. Since being at the end of the pregnancy and trying to get my classes done before he comes since the term ends after we are to have the baby, has been extremely stressful. It was fine in the beginning of the pregnancy and everything, but with trying to get ready for his arrival and getting the house ready for him, trying to keep the house clean, and food prepared for the the hubby and our daughter, and trying to keep up with everything else going on, and everything, life has just been….hectic!
One of my classes has been extremely stressful this term, but hopefully I will get through it and still pass. I am passing all of my classes now, I just need to keep passing them! To be honest, I probably shouldn’t even be typing this out right now, and should be working on my classes, especially the one that is stressing me out. I literally have about two and a half weeks to get four weeks of classes done. I am a little ahead, but I still need to work on that one class especially because of how much it is stressing me out and we all know that stress is not good for the baby.
This whole pregnancy has been rough. I was sick for the first half, then it finally started to ease up, and it was a ton better. I have still had pains, but not being sick. Although sometimes I would rather be sick than have the pains that I’ve been having. With my first pregnancy, I was hardly sick. I was sick for three weeks around Christmas and that was it. This one has been way different in the sickness and stress department. But we are almost to the end of it. I love feeling him move, which is literally every day from the first time I could feel him. Literally! But I am ready for him to be on the outside!
Our little boy is going to be crazy! He has moved literally EVERY day! From the second I wake up, he starts moving and when I go to bed, he still moves! Which I love knowing that he is still there and is still doing okay, every day, but it’s still crazy that he has moved every day like he has! Ana did not move nearly this much! I guess he knows that I stress and worry a lot, and he knew this would be a hard pregnancy, so he thought he would move every day so that would be one less thing that I worry about! 😛
This year has not been what I thought it would be. I know all of us could probably say that about 2020. But it has been a lot more stressful than I thought it would be. I have been trying to get better with trying to keep the house clean, but when you have a two year old, that is kind of a difficult feat. But it still doesn’t hurt to try, right?! There is a difference between a messy house and a dirty house. Because even though there may be toys everywhere, it doesn’t mean that it isn’t clean. I feel like I clean the house just so that Ana can throw her toys everywhere! Which she does! And that is okay! That is what kids do! And we have another one, who I am sure will do that exact same thing! I just need to work on not worrying about it making the house a “mess”, or at least looking like a mess. It just means that kids live here! 🙂
I had my first maternity session this past week! I wanted to have at least one professional maternity/family session! Since after this one, we aren’t planning on having anymore unless we adopt later on. But anyway, we went to a lake, and it was great! Our little girl LOVES the water, so it was hard to keep her away! We got some fun ones in the water! My husband was busy chasing her almost the entire time! But we got so many good ones! And I wanted to share a few of them with you all!
Motherhood has taught me so much. It has taught me some of my limits, it has taught me that no matter what, everything will be okay. I may feel like I am failing as a mother but we are not failing, we are just learning as we go. It has shown me more about myself and shown me some areas in which I need to grow, which is not a bad thing. We all have areas in our life that we need to grow and improve on! We just can’t be afraid of being wrong, because we are not always right. We make mistakes, we are human. That’s life.
Life may be hectic right now (or always), but that does not mean that it is over. We just need to keep getting back up and not give up! We are not alone!
Alright, many, if not all of us are in quarantine right now. How is that all going for you?! It has been rough at times, but it has also been nice and wonderful! I don’t know about you all, but it has been nice having my husband home! He works nightshift, and although he is technically an “essential” worker, he has stayed home since I’m pregnant and didn’t want to risk bringing something home to me or our daughter. I had just started a job, I had been there about two weeks and they suggested that I stay home for a little while since I’m pregnant, and working at a warehouse is not easy, especially when pregnant. It’s not a super hard job, but when you’re pregnant, it is a bit harder. It is harder on the body, it is more stressful with having to make rate and such, and with all the squatting and everything I was doing, it was definitely hard on the body and on the baby. I still have not been back to work, but we are actually doing okay at home. Better than I thought we would be!
Being at home, being pregnant, being in school all at the same time has been difficult at times. I was already doing school online, but when you’re stuck at home, and only go out for necessities, it is surprising how low your motivation is to actually do the school and the assignments. Being in the third trimester, and being at home with all this time, it is hard to keep track of keeping the house clean, the laundry caught up with, chasing another child, keeping the dogs fed and walked every few hours, and trying to have meals prepared and ready for my husband, and still get sleep – but every bit of it is worth it.
As a wife, what we can do is not give up. The house may not be spotless, and the dishes may be piling up, but just take some time, and get something, at least one thing done every couple of hours. Nothing will be perfect. The house. Laundry. You may not be put together at all, you may look like a complete mess.
Every other day, or sometimes every day, but at least every other day, I will do my hair and makeup and get dressed in nice clothes and try to look nice for my husband. I let him know that even though we may be stuck at home, I can and I still want to try to look nice for him and not always like such a bum. It shows that I haven’t forgotten about his and my relationship, that we can still “date” while quarantined. He has been back to work this last week, so he doesn’t get home till after 5:00am, so I try to have some warm food for when he gets home, then I may stay up with him for a little bit, or I will go back to bed and let him have some time alone to wind down before coming to bed.
My husband and I have had some hard times, but we both know that marriage and any kind of relationship takes time and work. Nothing is perfect in a marriage, everything takes work. Anything worth doing or worth having is not easy.
Life in quarantine is not and does not mean it has to be a bad thing. Make the most of it. Being “stuck” at home with your family means you get to spend more time with your spouse. Personally, I have enjoyed it! We have grown together in our relationship, we have come to know each other even more. Because no matter how long you are with someone, there are always new things to learn about each other! You may or may not always like what you learn, at least not right away, but you can learn to like them! You can figure out more things that you can do together once the quarantine would be over. Things to do together to help your relationship grow even more and stronger.
When you’re stuck in quarantine, you can still leave little notes for your spouse around the house where they will see it as they walk around, or put it in one of the books that they are reading or in between their laptop so when they open it, they see something sweet! Just a few ideas. I love to write, so when I am with someone, I like to write them notes. But in my case, I almost practically write books! I like to write a lot, so my “notes” are not little notes, they are like long letters. That is just the way I am. I like writing notes, and when I see something that reminds me of someone, I will almost always get it to show them that I was thinking of them, even if it is something small and silly, hoping that maybe it will at least bring a smile to their face. You never know what kind of day or week that they are having, and it could make their whole day or week!
Quarantine does not always have to be bad. We just need to make the most of it!
Also, something a little off topic, being pregnant, our little one moves almost constantly even still as he is growing! Since I could start to feel him move, he has not stopped moving! From the minute I wake up every day to the minute I go to bed and try to sleep, he is still moving! I am thankful for these moments, although sometimes his movements are a little painful, I love the feelings of his movement in my body! We can even see him move. You can be across the room and still be able to see the movements! They are that big! You’d think he is trying to come out! I still think about it, about how I have a child living and growing inside me! It is crazy what a woman’s body does! But anyway, hope this blog finds you well, I know I haven’t been very active on it much. You’d think I’d be able to during this quarantine, but like I said above, there is so much to do, and my blog isn’t exactly at the top of my priority list. I am going to try to get better with it though!
Happy Quarantine! We can and we will get through this! Together! Make all the memories you can during this time, with your family!
