Goals: are we really trying to reach them?

I have had so many goals in life. Have I hit many of them? Maybe a few, but I usually stop in the middle and do something else. Is anyone else like that or is it just me? One of my goals, though, is to inspire and encourage. I would love to be possibly even be a motivational speaker or writer! It’s funny too, because I absolutely hate speaking in large groups of people. I’m okay in smaller groups, but with practice, I would get better and more comfortable with it. Right!?

So many times we’ll see posts about someone trying to reach a certain goal or trying to encourage someone to not be afraid to even have goals. But do you ever wonder if that person is really doing their own work to reach their own goals, or do you feel like they are only posting to get seen and the “likes” of social media? In all honesty, I can probably say that I’ve been both. I had intentions to reach my goals, but I also made unreachable goals for myself, knowing that I probably wouldn’t make them, so I wouldn’t feel so bad about myself when I didn’t make them. But you got to start small. With everything, really. Then you can move on to the bigger goals. Have big goals for yourself, yes! But start small, so you don’t overwhelm yourself and then get down in the dumps to where you don’t want to do anything anymore.

Trust me. I’ve been there. When I make posts about goals and reaching your goals, I am 100% backing myself up too. I am working on reaching those goals. Right now, they are mostly financial goals. Trying to pay things off, raise my credit more, so that we can be more “relaxed” financially. So we can actually do things and go places with the kids! We want to be the ones to take our kids to their first trips to wherever it may be, the water park, amusement parks, the movie theater even. 😛

I have these financial goals so that I and my husband can be better parents for our kids! We feel like failures as parents because we can’t afford to go anywhere with them. Yes, you can always make more money, but right now, it’s still super tight even for that. I’m back to work now, but it’s still only part-time because it works with my husband’s schedule and we definitely cannot afford daycare/childcare. So we are doing what we have to now, so that we can do more with our children. We wish we could do that now, but unfortunately we can’t. We have so many plans for next year, we are hoping and praying that next year will be our year! We are working on our financial goals now, but it takes time. And hopefully by this time next year, hopefully sooner, we will be at least be in a lot better place financially than we are now! ❤

What are the goals that you have for yourself? Do you have any? I encourage you to write them down! Put them on sticky notes/post-it notes, and put them on your mirror, on your walls, on your refrigerator so you will see them throughout the day. They can be a reminder for you! You can even put your why for those goals! Such as, your family, or whatever it may be.

My WHY is my family 110%!!!! I want to BE better for my family, I want to DO better for my family. I want to GIVE better to my family.

What is something that you can do better for yourself or your family?! I would love to hear your thoughts, your goals and your why!!!!!

What kind of Friend are you?

I’m the kind of friend that will invest all of me into my friends. But if I need help or want to tell someone something exciting that I’ve decided to do or am thinking about doing, I don’t get the same kind of response. Or even close. It’ll be like “why?” “What for?” and that hurts. When they text or tell me something, I’m super excited for them, but when I tell them something, I get the opposite. I get the feeling that I’m a failure. And that isn’t how we should be talking to our friends. That’s not the kind of friends that we should be.

I don’t have very many close friends that I can just text at any time anymore. I used to have so many friends. Or I thought I did. But after awhile, I realized they were just using me because they knew what kind of friend I am (read above in case you don’t remember). If one of my friends is sick, I will get them or make them soup to help them feel better. If someone mentions something that they’ve wanted to eat for awhile but just never have gotten around to it, I will go out and get that food, or whatever it may be. I am the kind of friend that will go out of my way for you. Even if I can’t exactly afford it, that is how I am.

The rest of the this year and the rest of my life (haha), I am working on being better with money, except a few things here and there like birthdays and holidays and such, of course! But anyway, I will still be there for my friends, but I am trying to be smarter with my money and watching where it all goes! I will probably do another blog post on all that since this one is about friends and what kinds of friends we are.

There are ten types of friends you will have throughout your lifetime. First, is obviously your first friend – someone you’ve known for a long time. Sometimes a first friend is a forever friend, someone you’re able to grow with and tackle any obstacles you encounter together. Often times a first friend is someone you’re still able to keep in your life, even if it’s more from afar. They were there for so many pivotal moments and you love being able to reminisce together, even if you don’t talk all that much anymore. You know that no matter what they will be there, as if you have been together the whole time or were never apart!

Second – a fairweather friend – someone who is only there for the good stuff. Once it gets hard or you stop doing things for them, they’re gone. They want to hear about the cute thing your dog did or the promotion you just got, but they’re not someone you confide in when it comes to the heavy stuff. They are basically a surface-level friend. It’s not necessarily a bad thing, as long as you’re realistic about what the friendship is. If you’ve tried confiding in them about more emotional stuff and they’re always a bit standoffish, but they don’t hesitate to come to you with their own emotional stuff, then you may want to reevaluate things. I’ve had these kinds of friends before. They didn’t last too long. There’s nothing wrong with surface-level relationships as long as they’re even. Don’t give more than you’re getting back.

Third – the fake friend – Pretty self-explanatory.
This is the person in your life who you refer to as a friend in conversation but is really more of an acquaintance, and even that is probably being generous. You don’t really trust them, and you probably never have. Remember, you don’t have to be friends with someone if you don’t want to be, even if you’re in the same group or you have to see them a lot. You can keep things pleasant, of course, but you don’t have to make an effort one on one. You can choose who you’re close to. There’s nothing wrong with that. That’s why people say I’m different around certain people, they think I’m being fake. I’m not being fake, I’m just different around certain people. I can be more adventurous with one friend than I can with another, because the other friend isn’t as adventurous or they’re too scared or something. That doesn’t mean I’m being fake!

Next – the fun friend – A fun friend is probably more of an acquaintance.
They’ve always got something going on, and when you’re together, it’s all about the fun. Can you be serious with this person, or do they try to make everything a joke? Which is fine, but sometimes you need to be serious, you can’t turn everything into a joke. You need to be real.

The fierce friend – This is the friend who you know will always have your back. Even if you’re not always as close in the day-to-day moments, they’re there when it counts. They have a strong moral compass and definitely aren’t afraid to use it to help keep you on the right track. They’re fierce when it comes to defending you, but they’re also fierce when it comes to making sure you confront the issues within yourself too. They’ll tell you if they think you’re wrong, and they’d also probably egg a car in your honor. It goes both ways.
This kind of friend, I have very few of. And that is okay. I don’t want a hundred friends, most likely because very few of them will be “close” friends. I don’t want a big number of friends, I want real friends that I can talk to and that I know will be there for me, and vise versa. A fierce friend is a great person to have in your corner, but try to make sure it goes both ways and reciprocate that energy when you can. Even the fierce need to be taken care of sometimes, too. I feel like I am the fierce friend sometimes, and I do everything for them, but when I need something, I get nothing back. And that’s also hard. So be careful with that. As I said, even the fierce need to be taken care of sometimes, too.

The For Now friend – A for now friend is someone who you already know isn’t going to stick around for the long run. Circumstance brought you together, but you’re very aware that it won’t be enough forever. When you look at your life 10 years from now, you probably don’t see this person still being someone you see or talk to regularly. Enjoy the moments you have with them though. Who knows, you may have been in that person’s life for a specific reason, even if it wasn’t for a very long time!

The Fickle friend – This friend runs very hot and cold. One day it feels like you’re best friends and the next thing you know they’ve distanced themselves. One minute they love you and the next they’re mad at you. You often feel like you have whiplash from trying to keep up. I’ve learned it’s especially tricky to deal with fickle friends if they’re not super willing to talk about things as they come up. A problem can only be fixed if both people are willing to address it.
I am always there for my friends. I hate talking about my problems because I don’t want to be a burden to anyone. I don’t know if that makes me seem fickle to some people, but if I seem quiet or seem like I don’t have any troubles in my life, this is why. I’m not being fickle, just don’t want to burden others.

The Familiar friend – A familiar friend is someone who you were probably super close to at one point, and even though you aren’t as close anymore, they’re still in your life. I bet when you think of the familiar friend archetype someone immediately comes to mind. I think it’s the type a lot of us can relate to the most. It’s ok to keep a familiar friend around, as long as it’s not holding us back or stunting our growth. Sometimes we hold on to friends longer than we’re meant to because letting go would be painful, even if we know it’s the right thing to do.

The Flaky friend – This is the friend who you have to make plans with six times before something finally sticks. Who says they want to hang out but then doesn’t make an effort to make it happen and often doesn’t provide an explanation as to why. They can also be flaky emotionally, too, all in on helping you through something one minute, and then suddenly they leave you hanging.
I’ve felt like this many times. Not my being the flaky friend, but having them. Trying to plan to get together, and then something comes up, which I completely understand, it’s just hard when it happens a lot.
Sometimes, when someone is struggling mentally, it can translate into flakiness. We cancel plans or make promises we can’t keep because we’re in a really bad spot and we don’t know how to handle it. I certainly know I’ve been there before. And they have those days too. Don’t get upset because someone changes your plans or cancels, just check on them. Make sure they are okay, and if they need something, you can help out. But again, remember, don’t let them take advantage of you, but still be there in a way! If that makes sense!

Finally, the Forever friend! A forever friend is someone that you know will be around forever. It’s just the bond you have. You’ve been in each other’s lives for a while, and through all the ups and downs, you’ve been committed to working to make sure your bond stays strong. Even when you fight or disagree, there’s no doubt in your mind that you’ll always get through it. Your friendship isn’t perfect; it’s real.
Obviously this friend is a keeper, but remember, just because you know they’ll be around forever isn’t an excuse to stop working on the relationship. Even forever friendships need growth and maintenance. Try not to take them for granted. This goes along with marriage too. Just because you are married and marriage is for forever (or it should be anyway), don’t take your spouse for granted! Still go on dates! Get to know them more! There is always something more to learn about them! Trust me! 🙂

Some of these friendship types probably overlap. You may have currently or have had in the past friends who fall into more than one type. It’s bound to happen. Sometimes I’m not quite sure which people in my own life fall into which categories. That’s ok, as long as I stay aware of how each relationship fits into my life. But be sure that you are being the right kind of friend! Out of the ten types above, do you fall into any of the categories/types? Be honest with yourself! It’s hard, I know! And if you do, learn how to improve!

In my next blog, I will talk about what type of friends that we need in our life! If you have read this far, I appreciate you very much! And I hope you are enjoying my blog! Feel free to subscribe to my blog so you can see when the next blog publishes! 🙂

Why I do what I do!

There are so many things that I have tried to do. Because of all the things I’ve tried in the last few years, I feel like people look at me differently. I feel like that is also one of the reasons that no one “supports” me in my side hustles/businesses. It makes me feel like they don’t support me. Just because I’ve tried so many things. But that shouldn’t keep you from supporting someone you know. Do you know how that feels? To have no support at all? I feel like I’ve lost so many friends and acquaintances in the last few years for so many reasons. I don’t know if it’s because of me exactly, because I’ve changed since being a mom or what. Which I have, my priorities have changed since being a mom. My family is that priority. My family and finding a way to support them and pay our bills. It is a struggle. We are working to pay off some things so that we don’t have to worry as much about money. That is honestly all I want. I want to have things paid off, so that we can actually do things together, go to amusement parks and take vacations without feeling guilty for something. We would like a house someday. But when you have so many things to pay off, it doesn’t look good.

I love to write. I wish I could make writing as a career, but it takes time and I’m not good with all the formatting and everything! 😛 If I could just write everything and then have someone else format it and everything, I’d be all set! But alas, I can’t! Plus, I wouldn’t know what to write. I have so many ideas, so many stories that I could write but I’m horrible with the details in between. I know what would happen, but I’m not good with the dialogue part and all that. That’s why I’m trying to do a blog. It’s not as much, in a way. It still takes time, but not as much because it’s not as long as a novel! 😛 I have written some long blogs but still not nearly as long as a novel! But if I could do writing blogs as a career and get paid for it, that’d be great! Maybe someday! If any of you have any tips for that, let me know!

I need to have a set time that I write. I want to write my blogs at least once a week, maybe twice, but at least once a week! If I could do this and have a steady income, that would be my dream! My dream job is to be able to work from home with a stable/good income. To not have to ask off work for something whether it’s personal, medical or whatever it may be, that would be amazing. That is the reason that I tried so many side businesses such as Monat, Arbonne, and now Thirty-One. Those are the businesses that I’ve worked the most on out of all the businesses that I’ve tried. And still nothing.

Not many people know this, and one of the reasons that not many people know is because when I tell people something that I’m doing, I get little to no support from them. I’ve been told I post a lot to social media. But if y’all really knew all the pictures and videos I take, you wouldn’t say that I post a lot! Just saying. I feel like that is a HUGE reason that people take pictures and videos is just to post them on social media. Which yes, it’s great to show pictures of your adorable kids and what not, but that is not what life is about. To see how many ‘likes’ or ‘shares’ you get. While all that is great, that is what we are putting on acceptance and our self-esteem on. That is why there is so much depression, well one of the reasons.

Anyway, I got off track! Something that I’m doing that very few people know, is that I’m in school again. People think that I can’t decide what I want to do with my life because of all the different things that I’m doing. But actually, I do know what I want to do. My ultimate goal for work is to be able to work from home with a stable income. Not something that depends on sales and what not, unless I have my own business, my literal own business, because that would be different! But anyway, again, I am currently in school again. Funny thing is, we’ve tried to tell a couple people in the family and they didn’t even listen. Honestly, I was going to keep it a secret till I was completely done and never tell anyone till I was done. But I could use prayers with it all. We have so much going on and so many goals that we are trying to reach in the next year, we could use all the prayers we can get! I am currently in school getting my MBA, a dual cognate, in Strategic Media and Digital Content and Executive Coaching. I am very excited and nervous at the same time!

And then I want to post something to inspire people and motivate people, and then people will ask if I’m okay. Guess what? I am. I can post something to inspire and motivate others while being okay. It may say something about what I’ve gone through or possibly going through at the time, but that doesn’t mean that I am not okay. I’ve been told by multiple people that they’ve seen things I post and they ask someone close to me, if I’m okay. When they could just ask me themselves, or just not worry about it in general. Probably like this blog post, they will probably think the same thing, “Is Stacie okay?” To answer your question, yes, I’m doing great. Things a little stressful right now, but I am okay. So no need to worry! This may all seem like I’m being selfish, but in this case, I’m not trying to be selfish, I’m just trying to clarify things and let others know that if they are worried about me, they can ask me themselves and not go to others asking them if I’m okay because of something that I posted. I’m tired of people making their own assumptions and then that’s how rumors and such get started.

When I post things, it is to encourage others, not to bring attention to me unless it’s something that I’m proud of accomplishing or something. Or when I post my family. I love my family, so yes, I am going to post them a lot! Anyway, sorry for the long blog post today! Hope you have a great week and weekend! 🙂

Take care!

Don’t give up, Mama.

Do you ever feel like you’re losing yourself? Literally.

I may not have had a paying job for awhile and my husband was the only one bringing in money, and it’s been really tight and what not. But I can’t do everything at home and take care of the kids by myself. Even when he’s home on his off days, I still feel like I do absolutely everything.

And then when the grandparents have one of the children, I will sometimes go through the toys and sort them out and “get rid of” some of them so she won’t really know. And then she sees some of them again, and my husband says “why can’t she have it?”

Was she fine without it? Was she happy? Yes. It’s only when she sees it again, does she want it and cry for it. And then they all make it out like im a bad mom. Then I said “that’s why I do this when she’s not here.” And my husband took that as I wish we never had her. And that is NOT what I meant at all. I was talking about going through the toys and what not, when she’s not here, because it’s easier and she doesn’t see what I’m “getting rid of”….

Just because I didn’t have a paying job for a long time, does that mean that I do NOTHING at home??? Heck no! I still do everything at home. I may not cook all the time, 1) because Brandon likes to cook and 2) he’s a better cook than me. Does that make me a bad wife?

Moms need “time off” too. But do we get it? No. I love my kids. But sometimes I’d still like a break. If that makes me a bad mom, then fine. I guess I’m a bad mom.

Now I’m just locked in our bathroom, bawling my eyes out. And I don’t know what else to do. I feel like everything I do is wrong. I try to clean the house, but I do it the wrong way. I move something that I shouldn’t, my husband doesn’t like it or moves it back or whatever. I try to do side hustles, like network marketing, and my husband doesn’t support me. It’s hard to do anything as a side hustle to try to stay home and still make money, when you don’t get support, especially from your husband. So with every network marketing company I’ve tried, I’ve been a failure. I never got the support that all of my friends have with theirs and their husbands doing it with them. He says that all I want to do is be a stay at home mom.

While, yes, I’ve always wanted to be a stay at home mom, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to work. That’s why I try doing the network marketing, to try to still bring in income. But it’s never worked for me. If I had the support, I may be encouraged to do more with it. But he makes me embarrassed to even try it. To even post about it.

Failing isn’t a bad thing, but in my case, it’s not a good thing. It’s making me depressed and it’s not a good thing.

I just want to have the support of my husband with whatever I try, whether it’s network marketing or whatever it may be. And lately, I haven’t had much. I’m not trying to bash my husband or anything. He has worked, while I didn’t and couldn’t find a job. And he lets me know that too. But he hasn’t been supportive either. And I hate to even say these things. But I’m not saying it to bash him or anything.

But husbands need to support their wives and vice versa. And I do, I tell him I’m proud of him and I tell him thank you. But I feel like as a wife and a mom, we are just expected to do these things. So why should we get any thanks or someone saying “I’m proud of you.” Even if it’s “hey, I’m proud of you for not giving up.” Because lately, it’s been hard.

Anyway, just pray for me, please. I do have a great husband, I just wish he’d be more supportive of me. I’m sure I’m not the only one with that, but right now I feel like I am.

Thanks. ❤️

Don’t give up.

Have you ever felt like you are at the literal end of your rope?

Today has been rough. Mostly this evening. Our 3.5 year old daughter will hardly eat anything. If she eats anything, it’s something like pop tarts or something not exactly healthy, like that. I just wish she would eat, something. Her 14 month old brother eats literally anything! I wish her seeing him eat everything we give him would help her, but it hasn’t.

Tonight, I was about ready to throw in the towel. I put our daughter in her room, and I just went to the back bathroom and cried. More like sobbed. I don’t even know what to do anymore.

Sometimes, like on nights like tonight, I feel like I wasn’t meant to be a mom. I know that if I wasn’t, I wouldn’t have had them, but…it’s just really hard to see how or why I became a mom. I feel like I lose it all the time. And I don’t want to do that in front of the kids.

I feel like I’m being a failure to everyone around me. I can’t do anything right. I can’t say anything right. Im just really struggling right now.

I know I made the blog to encourage others, but I could really use the encouragement right now. Am I the only one struggling in this area right now? Or even another area? Or is it just me? If anything, I would really appreciate some prayers. Thanks. ❤️

In other news, I cut my hair this week! That’s helped me a little bit, but tonight was still rough. Sometimes I don’t even know.

The new haircut!

Am I a Good Mom?

Many times, if not every day, we, as moms, ask ourselves – “Am I a good mom?” On certain days, when the kids are just not listening at all that day, it’s hard to be a “good” mom, right? At least, that’s how I feel. When I just lose it with my daughter, I feel horrible immediately after. I feel like the worst mom on the planet. I know that not all days are good days and yes, sometimes the kids do not always listen, but that doesn’t mean that we should blow up in their face.

When that happens, I feel like crap right after. I will even apologize to my three year daughter. Should parents apologize to their kids who may or may not completely understand yet? Yes. Yes, we should. If we don’t, they will think that it is okay to just yell or “lose it” and be done. We need to teach our children that we will “lose” it but that doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t apologize for losing our cool. Even if they are three years old, we can and should apologize to them. Hug them. Tell them you love them, and yes, apologize. They will most likely hug you back and just hold on to you. At least, that is what my daughter does! She is at that age, where she can tell if something is bothering me or her daddy. Sometimes she will come up to me and just put her hand on my shoulder or even my face (cheeks) and say, “You okay, mommy?” and she will just hold my face in her little hand. It’s the sweetest thing.

It reminds me of how we are in Jesus’ hands. He is holding us in His hands and He is telling us it will be okay. I’ve heard the quote many times, “God doesn’t give us more than we can handle.” But maybe He gives us more than we can handle to show us that we can’t do it alone. That we do need Him. Because many times, we think that we can everything on our own. We think, “why do we need God?” Well, no matter what we think – we DO need Him!

Just about every day, I ask myself – am I a good mom? I have those days, where I will just put the kids in their room for awhile. I will check on them and change diapers and feed them, but other than that, I leave them in their room and let them play in their room and watch Mickey Mouse Clubhouse (my daughters current obsession). Sometimes I just need a day to myself. And I know being a mom, I sort of stopped letting myself have days alone after having kids. But I just need some quiet time for more than five minutes. Is that a bad thing? Even just wanting five minutes alone makes me feel like a bad mom.

I love my kids with all my heart. I do. They are great kids – for the most part! 😛 My son is a complete mama’s boy and I love it! I really do! But if he is happy not being held, then I try to take that time and have some quiet time to myself. Whether it’s taking a shower or a bath or just sitting/laying on the bed, possibly crying and just letting it all out. I also hate crying, in front of anyone, and especially the kids. I know they need to see us, parents, as people who cry too, but sometimes I just really do not want them to see me cry.

Being a mom is hard. It is very rewarding, but it is hard. I wouldn’t trade it for anything! I love being a mom, I love our son and daughter.

I have so many things I want to do. I have no time to do them anymore. I enjoy painting, but haven’t been able to get my paints out in awhile. I love to write, but as you can tell, I haven’t been able to write in quite awhile. I have a journal to that I physically write in, and if I’m lucky, I get to write in it maybe once a month. I used to be really good and write in it almost every day, but life gets busy. I thought I would be able to find more time to write. Physically and in here, my blog. But it’s been hectic.

Writing is my outlet, many times. When I don’t want to yell or cry it out, I will write it out. Sometimes I will keep what I write and sometimes I will write it and then throw it away. Does anyone else have something like that that they do, as an outlet? Writing or playing piano or anything? I used to play piano as an outlet too, but I haven’t been able to play in a while. When we get a house, I would love to get a piano and be able to play more often. Another one of my dreams. Get a house. Get a piano in the house. Someday these things will happen. When? I don’t know. But someday. 🙂

Scared, but gotta do what you gotta do.

Have you ever been overdue on pretty much every bill? And negative money in your bank account?

It’s been a couple months since the incident, but I haven’t been working since then. In mid-March, my car was stolen while I was at work. I was working for Dominos as a pizza delivery driver.

It was a fake delivery, which I didn’t know at the time. It wasn’t paid for yet, and it was at a place that you had to leave sight of your car and go inside. During these kinds of deliveries, I ALWAYS shut my car off and lock the doors. But this one time I didn’t. I even debated about taking my purse with me and still locking the car and turning it off and everything. And I just…I didn’t. Anyway, within a couple minutes, of the person who answered the door saying that they didn’t order any pizza and my calling the bogus number on the ticket for the pizza, my car was stolen.

I was in shock. I even almost didn’t take my phone with me; luckily I did. Otherwise, I would’ve been completely done for. I called 911, and called my work and my husband. The police came, took my statement, my boss came and picked me up, took me back to work and then Brandon came and picked me up from work and took me home. This all happened within the first hour of my shift. It was still light out, you could see as bright as day. And it happened to me. I was still in shock for the first week.

The people who stole my car got about $300 in cash, and the kids car seats, and everything else that was in the car. My drivers license and all those fun things. The police found my car about a month later. Everything was gone. The license plate. They swapped a couple of the tires, but otherwise, it still worked, for the most part. We were able to drive it home.

I wasn’t even sure if I was ever going to share this, but I’m just so broken right now. We are in the worst spots right now with our finances, and I’m going back to work at dominos, because I can’t get any other job. I’ve been applying since shortly after the incident. And they liked me at dominos and I liked the job up until the incident. But we need money, and we would like to get a house sometime soon, if at all possible. So to do that, I need to just go and get what I can to pay our bills and get caught up again. So we can start saving again for a house. For my family. This is really hard, but that’s what we do as parents. We do what’s hard now so that our kids won’t have to. So we can give our kids the best that we can. And if I have to go back to a job, that I’m still a bit scared to do, than that’s what I have to do.

I have felt like a failure as a wife and mother for so long, and because of this – my car being stolen. And I’m done feeling like a failure. It’s not going to be an easy road going back to the job, but it’s not just for me, it’s for my family.

Woman of many hats!

During these last couple of years, I have been through a lot. We have all been through a lot, including a global pandemic. Life has been crazy. I have been through multiple jobs, some good and some not so good. Let’s just go back since I started school. It has been a little over a year, seventeen months. Just shy of a year and a half. Right before I started school, I lost someone who I thought was my best friend. I started school. It was crazy stressful while trying to figure out online school, and trying to find a job, then the country going into a lockdown. Then it was even harder to find a job. It was super stressful because I was a mother and pregnant (Pre-quarantine baby)! There were/are so many things that I want to do. During this last year and a half, while in school, I was/am a wife, mother, student, pregnant lady, dog mom, housewife, so many things. I was stressed that I wouldn’t pass my classes. Especially with this pregnancy being so much harder on me. I was almost in constant pain. Oliver was in just the right spot on one of my nerves, and didn’t move from the spot very often, I was always in pain. But when you are a mom and wife, I still had things that needed to be done like cleaning and playing with our daughter, and I had to work through the pain, no matter how bad it was. I cried many times, very often when I was alone and no one was around to see or hear me cry.

I have been through many jobs in my life, some of which did not last very long. I felt like a terrible wife and mom because I couldn’t keep a job. Not because I was a bad worker, per se, but because it was not the job that I wanted for the rest of my life. I would love to be a stay-at-home mom but still work and bring in money for bills and what not. But that is hard to do. I have a few businesses that I am working. But I am a horrible salesperson, and I try not to guilt people into buying something from me and I try not to push them to buy something from me. That tends to push people even farther away from you, even your friends. If you want to know anything about the products or company that I am with, I am happy to tell you anything! I hardly ever bring it up first unless we are talking about something that they need and that company offers what will help with what they need. But even then, it sounds like I’m trying to push you to buy from me. But honestly, I only “push” things on people that I know will help someone, or that I know they will love. Because I love it! I don’t sell anything that I don’t love or use myself.

I sell Monat, which is the number one haircare brand in the country. I also sell Arbonne, which is a makeup, nutrition, skincare, bath and body, and so much more! These are my two favorite company’s and they have the best products that really work! They are not a pyramid scheme. But anyway, I can’t do only these businesses and not work somewhere else where I know I am getting a paycheck. Because I do use these products but I don’t post about it or promote it, per se. The products I use are in the pictures that I take, when I take a picture with my kids or my husband, because I use the shampoo and it can be seen but I don’t post what I use in every single post. I don’t say things like “And the reason my hair looks amazing is because I use my Monat…and it can help your hair too!” type things. I do share it and that is what network marketing is, sharing what you love and use. But it doesn’t get very much traffic for me. I don’t know if I just don’t know what to say to capture people’s attention or what. So that is why I am still working at a job. I am currently delivering pizza, which honestly I love doing. It is still not what I want to do with the rest of my life, but it is helping pay the bills!

Anyway, this blog post is not about trying to sell you anything, it just popped into my head about what I do and how I wear many ‘hats’ in life and how those things could help me stay home with my kids and still bring in income, but how I fail at that, too. I have felt like a failure so many times this last year, not just in my work but in/with my family, too. We went through some rough times, but we made it through. It still isn’t always easy, but when you work together, it is easier.

I have just recently finished my schooling, and will have my degree in May! I had planned to be done in December of 2020, but that didn’t happen. That’s okay. As long as you keep going and you don’t give up, that is what matters. Slow progress is still progress! I now have a bachelors degree in Criminal Psychology! Still not completely sure what I want to do. There are so many things. But since I do have a family, what I want to do wouldn’t necessarily be the best or safest thing for my family for multiple reasons. Plus, I would have to go away for at least six months for the academy, and I will really don’t want to be away from my family. So there’s that.

So I am still figuring out what I am going to do. I have thought of doing teaching at home, so then I can stay at home and have my own schedule and know that I am bringing in money for the family. Just need to get through the hiring process and teaching demos and such, which did need a bachelors degree(in anything). I am a big family person, so if there is something that I can do to be able to stay home with our kids and still bring in money and know that I am bringing in money, I am all for that! At least for now. Maybe when the kids get older, I may be able to do something with my psychology degree. So it may not be as exciting as what I wanted to do growing up, but dreams can change. And I have one of my dreams already – my family! My handsome husband and two beautiful children, and our three dogs!

Our little big man!
This is her silly face pose!

It still feels surreal that I actually passed all my classes with a 3.1 GPA at that!! I am a horrible test taker! But with the support of my husband and my family, I made it through with only a few scratches, bruises and many many tears!!

Thank you everyone for supporting me through this blog! I do want to have more time to write my blog too! So when I figure everything out, if/when I start the teaching thing and figure out a routine and schedule for that, I will be putting time for my writing on the schedule also! It is important to put time aside for things that you enjoy doing, whether it is quiet time for yourself so you can breathe and just relax for a minute or two. Take that time! And no matter what, don’t give up! Don’t give up on yourself and your WHY for what you are doing!

Never Give Up.

When you are at your lowest, you don’t know what to do. To be honest, I am at my lowest right now. I’ve been very low before, but I think this beats it. Sometimes I wonder why I am here. What do I even do with my life. What do I do with me? I know that sounds selfish, and it probably is. But I’m being completely honest, completely transparent right now. I mentioned in an earlier blog post about post-partum depression, and I feel as it is just getting worse. Or maybe it’s more than post-partum depression. I don’t know. I have not been the best wife in some ways.

As a wife, you feel like you need to clean the house, do the laundry, cook the food, watch the kids so the hubby can relax when he gets home from work, etc. Which is true, but he is part of the family too. I can’t just ‘toss him to the side’. He has needs, too.

To be honest, since having children and having c-sections for both of them, I have been very self-conscious about my body. I was self-conscious about it before but after the c-sections, it just got worse. You would think after marrying the most handsome man in my life would help take those negative thoughts about myself and my body away.

But it didn’t.

Here is a picture of my husband to show you how handsome he is!

You might be thinking, she is crazy. Having a husband as good-looking as him, how could you have body issues and self-esteem issues? Right? Wrong. Tonight I basically broke down on my husband. We were laying in bed, and I started crying. I hold things in and then when I let it out, everything comes out. It was good hard cry. Sometimes we need them, but it’s not healthy to hold everything in. My hubby just held me while I cried.

To me, at least right now, it means that I need to keep up the good body looks, I need to always look good for him, especially when we go out. What if someone sees us and goes, “How did she get someone like him looking like that??” or “He must have felt sorry for her and that’s why he’s with her.” These are only some of the thoughts that run through my mind.

I know having children is a great thing and it is a miracle! I truly believe that. And having that c-section scar is a picture of what you brought into this world. Two beautiful children. But I still have belly fat, I still look like a potato, a soggy potato, but a potato. I have told myself, and my husband, that I want to work out more, even if it’s only at home. Because let’s be real, nobody has time to go out to the gym to workout, especially when you have little kids and a job and then you are exhausted from working then coming home and working some more – to be a mom. I love my job, honestly, both of them. They are tiring though.

My hubby has even gotten me workout videos for home. I’ve said that I will do them and more likely when he’s not home, because like I said above, I’m self-conscious about my body and I don’t want him to see me looking like an idiot and seeing my fat and flab move every which way while working out. Dumb, I know. Especially since we are married. Anyway, so when he is at work, and I am home, do I do those workout videos? Nope. I have the kids to take care of and feed, and then I have to clean the house and do the dishes and laundry, and I don’t ‘have time’ to workout. We’ve all made that excuse, right? We had the house to clean, and when we go to take a break, we watch some TV or something instead. Or I’ll take a shower and then my excuse will be “I just took a shower, I don’t want to get all dirty and sweaty again.”

One of these days, before January is up, I plan to start working out. For real. Even with these workout videos that my husband got for me. Maybe I’ll even ask him to join me on his off days! Who knows?!

My confidence has been super low lately. I have so many goals this year and they will hopefully help with my confidence. I need to remember that even though I may not feel or look my best (to myself), it is okay. I need to remember that I have a little girl who is going to look up to me, possibly already does, and she is going to see how I view myself and I don’t want her thinking the same things of herself as she grows up. We need to think of who is watching us and trying to be like us. Life is hard, but that’s okay. It’s not exactly supposed to be easy. God is with us every step of the way.

Here’s my little girl! ❤

That’s another thing. My relationship with God hasn’t been the best lately either. That’s probably another reason I have been struggling so much. We can’t live our live without Him. We can but it will be a whole lot harder than it would be with Him.

Didn’t want to leave my son out! 😛

If you would, if you think about it, please pray for me and my family. Thank you. And thank you for taking the time to come to my blog and read! If you know someone else who might be struggling with any of these things, send this to them. Let them know they are not alone. We all need friends and accountability partners! 🙂 We all need someone to talk to and to check up on us. We can and need to do the same for them and others. ❤

Post-Partum Depression. It’s real.

I wish you didn’t exist. I never thought I would battle with depression. I always tried to be happy, and thought I was a happy-go-lucky person. I always tried to be optimistic with everything. Even when people showed me that they weren’t who they said they were or pretended to be, I would give them the benefit of the doubt. I have been hurt so many times because of that.

I do not have very many close friends. I have very few actually. I am a very trusting person until you give me a reason not to trust you. I have been working on that, but I still manage to trust people and tell them too much (nothing bad, don’t worry)! I guess I just wanted friends. I was always picked on in high school, I let people walk all over me, all the time. And I keep saying how that is done and I’m done being walked on, but somehow I find that I am still allowing it to happen. Even today.

When I think of my depression that I have realized that I have, it makes me feel like a horrible person. I feel like a terrible mom. I feel like a terrible wife. It hits people in different ways. Some things get me down. That’s not a bad thing that some things get you down, it all matters on how we react to it and what we do about it. We can’t give up.

You hear people say “I have let myself go.” In other words, as women, we stop doing our makeup, our hair, we stop trying to look nice. We may even stop cleaning the house – which I do still try to do, I just lack the “get ‘er done’ attitude at the moment. When you think of depression, what comes to your mind?

I am a wife and a mom and we also have three dogs. I am a full-time student in school, online. I have lacked the motivation to do anything, school-wise, in a long time. I manage to do it, but still with no motivation and it takes me a lot longer to do it. I make these goals for myself, to try to get ahead and write papers ahead of time so I won’t get behind and such. But then I lose the motivation for that, too.

My husband has been very supportive and I know it’s not easy being married to me all the time. Sometimes I disappoint him, but that does not mean to give up. That is when it really stops and gets bad – when we give up.

I know God is there all the time, and yet I still have these depressed feelings. Life is not where we would like it to be right now. We would like to have a house, but things keep hindering that from happening and we get even more down. We do not have enough space for our things, we are all crunched in where we are, but it is what we have to do right now. Maybe someday, we will get a house.

I’m not trying to be all depressed in this post, but I just want people to know that post-partum depression and just depression, in general, is real. But we can make it through it. God is Good! He knows what He is doing and we just need to trust Him.

I love our children so much! They will get on our nerves, but that doesn’t meant that we regret having them. I would do it over every time and have them again! I love our little Anna and Ollie! We are so blessed! Here is the most updated picture of all of us! and I hope you all have a great day. Thank you for visiting my blog!

Pumpkin Patch 2020

Please keep us in your prayers. ❤️