The Unexpected Reality of Surrogacy

I’ve been going back and forth on whether or not, I was going to share more on my journey of surrogacy this time around. Because it has been very different than my first surrogacy journey. Quite the opposite, actually.

My first journey was a little rocky at first, but just that it was my first one and it was their first one and it was all new to both sides. But once we got a bit further into it, a beautiful relationship with the couple and the family bloomed. I’ve even gone to visit them at their home a couple months after the baby’s first birthday. It was really nice.

This second journey, I highly doubt anything like that will happen. 1) We don’t have much of a relationship with the couple outside of the doctors appointments. and 2) even though we put in our profile, that we wanted a relationship with the couple, and they even “supposedly” said the same thing in the “match meeting”, they changed that later on. They even said “I don’t think we will be in contact much after the baby is born. We ‘might’ send a picture here and there, but we don’t know.” Which would’ve been fine, if they had just admitted that in the match meeting, but then they probably wouldn’t have “matched” with them and I probably wouldn’t be in the situation that I’m in, with my cervix and all that. It’s possible I may still be, but we’ll never know now.

But anyway, with all that my husband and I have been through the last few weeks with the pregnancy, I thought “even though it’s not how I would’ve wanted it to go, maybe this will help the parents realize and appreciate us a little more with everything that is happening and what we are having to go through so that they can have their baby…” Because they have not contacted me first at all, even just to check in or ask for a bump update or anything. It’s been all through the agency and very business-like. I thought that it may get better as we got further along in the pregnancy and then this happened and I still thought it may help in that way, but no. Not really. We still only talk through email, which the agency is CC’d on all the emails. There’s nothing personal. Which is basically the complete opposite of what was put in our profile. So that has been a bit hard on me.

Also, the first trimester this time around was super rough for me. I didn’t have morning sickness, but I was very nauseous, without the throwing up. Which may be worse sometimes. I think I’d rather throw up than not, in that case. The only contact I had with the parents was, again through email and I told them how hard it has been and that it felt like I had no support from them and even the “match coordinator”…and guess what? Nothing changed. All they said was “I’m sorry…” and that was basically it. So that first trimester, I was honestly kinda pretty depressed because of all that. The parents even said that they didn’t want bump pics because we’d have our video calls and they could see it then, if they wanted. But you know what happened? They never once asked to see the bump even on the video calls. Everything has felt very transactional, very business-like. And that is why some people don’t agree with surrogacy. Which if that whole thing is talked about at the beginning, and not what the other side wants to hear just to “match” with you and then change it and be “honest” about it after and when the pregnancy is confirmed and it’s too late to change anything…if it was talked about in all honesty at the beginning, it would’ve been fine. We probably wouldn’t have agreed to match with them if that had been the case though. And they probably knew that, and why they said what they did.

But since this is my last surrogacy and pregnancy, maybe God did it that way, to help it be easier on me knowing it is my last one and that way it won’t be so hard on me, mentally and emotionally. I don’t know. But still not what I would’ve wanted for my last pregnancy, to feel like this and to be going through all this, when it’s not even my own baby. But I guess, in a way, it’s what I signed up for. I just never had any of these “health” issues with any of the other pregnancies. So I guess I’m ending my last pregnancy journey with a bang! 😛

The parents have said that they appreciate me and everything, but that’s all they’ve done. They still don’t text me first, they don’t ask for any updates, especially right now with all that’s going on. They haven’t asked how I’m doing. Which may sound selfish, but I feel like if it were me on the other side of this, as the parent of the baby that I couldn’t carry myself, I would be texting that person and checking on them especially during something like this. But again, that’s just me. I know I may be a bit extra on that, but I feel like most parents would be like that. Am I wrong? I don’t know. I know surrogacy is a different thing, and it’s not talked about a lot, but yeah, I don’t know.

I know the cervix and the placenta isn’t something that we can control, but it’s been hard on me, because now I’m limited on what I can do and where I can, travel-wise. And it’s bummed me out, a lot.

I still love surrogacy, because I did have a great first journey and I still talk to the family and they send me pictures and videos of the little guy as he’s growing! They even send me pictures of the other two children they had, through surrogacy. And I will forever cherish that and that relationship. This one, I will have memories, just not quite the best kind of memories. It’s not fun feeling like I’m just being used to carry a baby for them. If I’d known this was how it was going to be and feel, I definitely wouldn’t have agreed to the match. But again, they weren’t completely honest with us, and it’s too late now. As long as they are good parents to the child, which we will probably never know, as they probably won’t be in contact with us, even after all this…as long as they are good parents and will love this child, that is what matters.

Since this is my last pregnancy, and I’ve been trying to still enjoy as much as I can, even though this has been more difficult even before the cervix and placenta problems – it’s still amazing what a woman’s body can do. And that we are able to do it for someone else who is unable, no matter the journey or experience. As I am sitting here on my couch and writing this and my belly is right there and I see the baby moving and kicking me and all the more stretch marks that I’m getting, it’s still amazing to see and know that there is another little human inside me growing. (Let’s just hope she keeps cooking until at least 34 weeks! :-P)

I have definitely shed many many tears this time around. Probably the most of any of my pregnancies, believe it or not! Not just because it’s my last one, but because of everything. Feeling so alone in the first trimester, and then having the cervix and placenta issues in the second trimester, and then probably not being able to travel anywhere in the third trimester because of all of this…so I’m probably not done crying yet for the duration of this pregnancy! But I will be okay. Everything will be okay. And it’s almost my birthday! Just a few more days. What a way to spend my birthday month! Most of it at a drs appointment and/or hospital. It’s been great! Not really!

But anyway, that is my second surrogacy journey up till now. It is now 10:34pm, and I thought I would write since I couldn’t sleep anyway – pregnancy problems! 😛 I guess I may go try again to get some sleep! Until next time! 🙂 Thanks for reading! Hope you have a great night/day (depending on what time you are reading this)!