When you are at your lowest, you don’t know what to do. To be honest, I am at my lowest right now. I’ve been very low before, but I think this beats it. Sometimes I wonder why I am here. What do I even do with my life. What do I do with me? I know that sounds selfish, and it probably is. But I’m being completely honest, completely transparent right now. I mentioned in an earlier blog post about post-partum depression, and I feel as it is just getting worse. Or maybe it’s more than post-partum depression. I don’t know. I have not been the best wife in some ways.
As a wife, you feel like you need to clean the house, do the laundry, cook the food, watch the kids so the hubby can relax when he gets home from work, etc. Which is true, but he is part of the family too. I can’t just ‘toss him to the side’. He has needs, too.
To be honest, since having children and having c-sections for both of them, I have been very self-conscious about my body. I was self-conscious about it before but after the c-sections, it just got worse. You would think after marrying the most handsome man in my life would help take those negative thoughts about myself and my body away.
But it didn’t.
You might be thinking, she is crazy. Having a husband as good-looking as him, how could you have body issues and self-esteem issues? Right? Wrong. Tonight I basically broke down on my husband. We were laying in bed, and I started crying. I hold things in and then when I let it out, everything comes out. It was good hard cry. Sometimes we need them, but it’s not healthy to hold everything in. My hubby just held me while I cried.
To me, at least right now, it means that I need to keep up the good body looks, I need to always look good for him, especially when we go out. What if someone sees us and goes, “How did she get someone like him looking like that??” or “He must have felt sorry for her and that’s why he’s with her.” These are only some of the thoughts that run through my mind.
I know having children is a great thing and it is a miracle! I truly believe that. And having that c-section scar is a picture of what you brought into this world. Two beautiful children. But I still have belly fat, I still look like a potato, a soggy potato, but a potato. I have told myself, and my husband, that I want to work out more, even if it’s only at home. Because let’s be real, nobody has time to go out to the gym to workout, especially when you have little kids and a job and then you are exhausted from working then coming home and working some more – to be a mom. I love my job, honestly, both of them. They are tiring though.
My hubby has even gotten me workout videos for home. I’ve said that I will do them and more likely when he’s not home, because like I said above, I’m self-conscious about my body and I don’t want him to see me looking like an idiot and seeing my fat and flab move every which way while working out. Dumb, I know. Especially since we are married. Anyway, so when he is at work, and I am home, do I do those workout videos? Nope. I have the kids to take care of and feed, and then I have to clean the house and do the dishes and laundry, and I don’t ‘have time’ to workout. We’ve all made that excuse, right? We had the house to clean, and when we go to take a break, we watch some TV or something instead. Or I’ll take a shower and then my excuse will be “I just took a shower, I don’t want to get all dirty and sweaty again.”
One of these days, before January is up, I plan to start working out. For real. Even with these workout videos that my husband got for me. Maybe I’ll even ask him to join me on his off days! Who knows?!
My confidence has been super low lately. I have so many goals this year and they will hopefully help with my confidence. I need to remember that even though I may not feel or look my best (to myself), it is okay. I need to remember that I have a little girl who is going to look up to me, possibly already does, and she is going to see how I view myself and I don’t want her thinking the same things of herself as she grows up. We need to think of who is watching us and trying to be like us. Life is hard, but that’s okay. It’s not exactly supposed to be easy. God is with us every step of the way.
That’s another thing. My relationship with God hasn’t been the best lately either. That’s probably another reason I have been struggling so much. We can’t live our live without Him. We can but it will be a whole lot harder than it would be with Him.
If you would, if you think about it, please pray for me and my family. Thank you. And thank you for taking the time to come to my blog and read! If you know someone else who might be struggling with any of these things, send this to them. Let them know they are not alone. We all need friends and accountability partners! 🙂 We all need someone to talk to and to check up on us. We can and need to do the same for them and others. ❤
Adventures Of Motherhood 